First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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