Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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