He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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