i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
