Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
