I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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