I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
so much tequila, so little girl.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
