Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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