i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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