It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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