I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
