i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
