My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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