I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
