my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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