what if every blade of grass was a penis?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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