Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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