Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
