i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
