Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season