Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.