addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
