someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
