so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
