Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
my liver is dry heaving
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
