i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
