For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
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She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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