I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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