remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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