There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's rum buckets o'clock
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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