first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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