he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
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I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
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I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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