new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
