He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
