My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
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I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
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I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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