I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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