apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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