his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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