First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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