Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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