And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
