her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize