u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
