So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Drake has all the answers
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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