so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
