i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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