The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
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