I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
