My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
