bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
