im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
