Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
