No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
