I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
bring money and cleavage
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
