worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
