I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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