I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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