it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
