Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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